* * * * * * Sent in by James * * * * * *

Friday, a Memorial/Funeral Service will be held for UNT’s local icon, Albino Squirrel at the UNT Fountain from 9 a.m. to 10:30 a.m., and a pot-luck dinner will follow immediately after the services in the Lyceum. Donations for the family of the slain squirrel will be accepted through the Albino Squirrel Preservation Society.

Like all of us, I feel a great deal of pain when tragic events such as these take place. I can remember the first time I met Albino Squirrel like it was yesterday; Sitting near the fountain like he routinely did, graciously granting student’s wishes, and teaching acrobats to the other homogenous mixture of squirrels. He was a fine specimen and he will be missed.

Tragically, Albino Squirrel met his untimely demise at the tallons of a roving hawk yesterday afternoon. Police are investigating this assassination as a possible hate crime. onlookers stated that the hawk was heard screaming profanities as he swooped down and plucked the poor tree-dwelling rodent from his perch atop the courtyard gazebo. Witnesses looked on horrified as the grizzly attack played out before them.

As a result, additional counselors will be available throughout the week at the UNT Student Health Services Center in order to aid the overflow of grieving students through this difficult time.

The Denton Police are offering a $50,000 reward for any tips leading to the arrest and indictment of the accused hawk. always remember, you can remain anonymous.

On a final note, The Albino Squirrel Preservation Society is calling for a one month boycott of the purchase or display of any UNT paraphernalia containing the UNT Eagle or any manifestation of it. Thank you for your time.

Regards,
James