31 Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris

I ran across this post on MySpace and laughed my ass off. Enjoy.

31 Little Known Facts About Chuck Norris

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more that meet the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling “Bang!”

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya!”

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity,” then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.

16. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

17.Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

18. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

21. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

22. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

23. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

24. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

25. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.

27. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

28. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.

29. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn’t give him exact change.

30. Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

31. Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, “I’m not your savior!” and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.

113 Comments so far

  1. Sam Stiokavich (unregistered) on February 5th, 2006 @ 11:57 pm

    an old man once asked a boy, whats the difference between chuck norris and then end of all humanity? the boy replied, chuck norris has a beard

  2. Sam Stiokavich (unregistered) on February 5th, 2006 @ 11:58 pm

    Mr. T is an olive that chuck norris shitted out in the 70’s

  3. MorseCode*--** (unregistered) on February 7th, 2006 @ 10:10 pm

    Chuck Norris created gravity, and its force on any object is 1/80 of a round house kick.

  4. Ben Spencerf (unregistered) on February 7th, 2006 @ 10:18 pm

    Chuck Norris is the tip of the spear in every battle. Marines follow behind Chuck.

  5. Ben (unregistered) on February 7th, 2006 @ 10:20 pm

    Chuck Norris once round house kicked a pizza and formed the pizza chain Chuck E. Cheese

  6. ben (unregistered) on February 7th, 2006 @ 10:22 pm

    Chuck Norris’s sperm has been cryogentically frozen to repopulate the world after Chuck destroys it.

  7. Ben (unregistered) on February 7th, 2006 @ 10:24 pm

    Chuck Norris raised the Titanic and pulled it back to shore with his pinky toe which as we all know is the worlds strongest man.

  8. Brian Sexton (unregistered) on February 9th, 2006 @ 8:13 am

    The eternal conundrum of what would happen when an unstoppable force hit an immovable object was solved when chuck norris punched himself in the face!!

    On his birthday chuck norris randomly selects one child to be thrown in to the sun

  9. CJ (unregistered) on February 11th, 2006 @ 8:17 pm

    Chuck Norris isn’t gay because when he has sex with a man they don’t kiss. He’s nothing but a redneck Oakie queer.

  10. KLAUHERT (unregistered) on February 15th, 2006 @ 6:33 pm

    Fuck chuck norris. Sean Connery is so much manlier.

  11. Austin (unregistered) on February 15th, 2006 @ 8:00 pm

    Do you believe in chuck norris or god? Trick question chuck norris is god.

    Chuck Norris has never blinked in his life.Never.

    Chuck Norris can light ants on fire with a magnifying glass…at night.

  12. austin (unregistered) on February 15th, 2006 @ 8:04 pm

    chuck norris is the reason waldos hiding

  13. Rich (unregistered) on February 27th, 2006 @ 12:39 am

    Only one man has ever out-smarted Chuck Norris: it was Stephen Hawking, in 1975. Look what happened to his ass!

    Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of saying sometimes corn just needs to lay the fuck down.

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