First of all, Happy Chrismahanukwanzakah to one and all. I hope it’s the best one ever.

Second, if you’re single, you probably already know what I am about to tell you.

Third, the lesson here is that the best way to avoid the mad last minute retail rush is to, well, um, er, uh, shop at the last minute. This has been a practice of mine for more than a decade and it never fails. Here’s how it works.

All the goody-two-shoes who start their holiday shopping the beginning of December are all there to avoid the ensuing chaos they “perceive” is going to take place the final seconds of the shopping season. They should be burned at the stake. Or worse yet, made to endure the plight of their own making.

The malls are packed. The sales people are surly. The merchandise is overpriced. The aisles are jammed with spoiled children who don’t deserve coal in their stockings let alone a PS2.

It looks something like the plane crash scene out of “Fearless.”

Now, if you wait until the very last minute, say one hour before closing on the 23rd, or 30 minutes before closing on the 24th, you’re in for a delightful surprise.

No one is there. The sales people are too tired to be surly. Retailers are giving merchandise away rather than see consumers go next door and buy something else. The children are all at home being punished for their mall-induced malfeasances.

It’s retail nirvana.

Think about it, people who shop on the day after Thanksgiving have horror stories, but no one ever says, “You know, I went to Banana Republic at 5:50 on Christmas Eve, and I had to wait two hours to get checked out.” Hell no, all the sales people want to go home and take a bastard file to their bunions. And the security people want to get home to their twelve-pack of Budweiser and the assembly of childrens’ bicycles.

Someone once said that Dallas is nothing more than one big giant shopping mall with two airports thrown in. I agree. And since we all know how crowded the airports are on the final days before Chrismahanukwanzakah, it only stands to reason that there are no more people left to go to the malls.

Makes sense to me.

See you in the dark parking lot of NorthPark on the 24th.